The DNC's Welcome Letter to the Joe Rogan of the Left

Dear [NAME HERE],

Congrats! If you’re reading this, we at the Democratic National Committee would like to congratulate you on being named “The Joe Rogan of the Left!” You have an incredibly important role in the next few years, the first one being: fixing everything.

We don’t know how this all happened — yes we were technically in power for a lot of it and made all the choices about how we presented ourselves — but for some reason it’s just not clicking with voters. At least that’s what we hear from the Times, and Jake Tapper, and the lady on MSNBC who chews on her glasses like an aunt trying to figure out which of her friends’ kids to set you up with.

All of them tell us we’re doing bad with voters. And trust us, we brainstormed what to do. Switch Democratic Blue to also be Red? Replace the donkey with a cooler animal, like that ferret-thing that breathed fire in an episode of The Mandalorian? Terrence the janit— excuse me, the custodial services staff leader, he suggested we just try to “get all the poor people to realize they’re screwed.” Obviously, Terrence is no longer with the organization.

We know you might have questions, like “How the hell am I supposed to fix this?” or “Where am I and why does this room smell like Ayahuasca?” Many of our previous candidates had the same questions, though we are legally prohibited from discussing where they are now or what happened to them. But for a start, you should get dressed in your uniform. It should all be there: a graphic tee of a Black child saluting a photo of Nancy Pelosi kneeling in Kente cloth, ethically sourced jeans from a business with a disgraced owner, and your official Pod Save boat shoes.

Also, we will give you your cellphone back soon, it took a while to download all the required podcasts onto it.

IMPORTANT CAVEAT: You may be having some reservations, but rest assured this strategy has been focus-grouped through a diverse set of our most important viewpoints: rich white guys, people who talk about the news on tv for a living, and centrists who think Trump is rude but don’t want anything systemic to change.

When you get out there, over anything else Please Be Cool. Seriously. Be cool and likable. We do not know how to do that. Quick, close your eyes and think of a likable Democrat. Did you think of one? Is it someone that we here at the DNC hate and are trying to sideline? Thought so. You on the other hand, are going to be cool and fun and likable just like Joe Rogan.

Admittedly we are not sure what aspect of Joe Rogan makes people like him.

We’ve tried: “Cursing,” and “Doing 3 hour episodes with someone you know is stupid after five minutes.” BUT, don’t worry, we’ve still got a couple ideas left on the big board you might want to try, like: “Using steroids,” “Spending the 90s on a sitcom as the 5th best character,” and “Basically copying Art Bell’s entire radio show and doing it during the daytime.” 2 is a heavy lift without time travel, but 1 and 3 we can make happen.

Oh, and also please Don’t Talk About Policy. That would be kind of an ick for us. Did we say that right? Do we sound young? Your job isn’t policy, and in many ways, neither is ours. Your job is to Be Cool and tell other people that we are Cool By Association. Did you ever see 10 Things I Hate About You? It goes without saying that the movie is Canceled — a high school girl flashes her teacher as a distraction — but stick with us here.

You remember these two (pardon our language) total dork-ass losers? That’s us. And you are Heath Ledger: hot, mysterious, but hopefully in this case not an immigrant because we’re kind of iffy on that right now.

You, Heath/YourRealName, can make us cool and make our enemy un-cool. Hmm. I guess Trump is kind of like Joey Donner. Obsessed with his hair. Failed actor. Small dick. Maybe we could do a full parody video? That would crush with Millennials. Oh crap, you wrote all of that part down? Ok, take all of that out of the final draft before you send it into the Ayuhuasca room.

Hopefully you are convinced, and ready to save the country by doing THING TK. We here at the DNC believe you’ll be a great Joe Rogan of the Left, both because of your background and because you are currently the highest person on our candidate list we have not already contacted.

Please sign the attached contract, get dressed, and meet us in the next room. If you feel you can’t take on the responsibility that’s okay, we understand and wish you well and will also be sending Bill Maher to your house to do his new 15 minute set he calls “Why tin cans are actually woke.”

Welcome to the team! You’re the captain. Seriously. Save us. Please.

— The Democratic National Committee