EMERGENCY POST: POPE EDITION

Hi! Wow, what a day! I have five ideas about today’s election of the first ever American Supreme Pontiff / Pope / Head of the Roman Catholic Church, the man formerly known as Robert “Bob” Prevost — Pope Leo XIV.

But first, I did an Instagram Live about a lot of my thoughts / feelings and got a surprise visit from my friend Zac Davis of America Magazine, who is in Rome and watched everything happen live and in person today, so that felt worth sharing.

Okay — so let’s hit it. And I’ll dive in a little deeper (including my reaction in my living room) on the audio version for paid subs. (Should I do more audio content? Is that what people are looking for?)

POPE THOUGHTS

1 . This guy is profoundly American.

As soon as Cardinal Prevost got named, the first thing out of most commentator’s mouths was something to the effect of, “Well, he spent a a lot of time in Peru and got naturalized citizenship in 2015 so he’s not that American.”

I mean I can certainly think back to 2015 and if I had an option of getting citizenship to another country during the primary implosion I was watching… I’d have done it. And I’m not saying that’s why he did, but this man voted in the 2012, 2014, and 2016 Republican primaries in Illinois. He voted in midterm primaries! That is the “I gotta complete all the side quests” levels of voting. Seems pretty American to be voting in a bunch of American elections — ahh crap, Marco Rubio’s just discovered a new way to debase himself by revoking the Pope’s citizenship for “voter fraud.”

He’s a baseball fan — so much so that he went to watch the White Sox play in the 2005 World Series. They won that one in a sweep — no idea what he’s been praying for sports-wise for the past 20 years.

But if you listen to him talk, or his brother talk, there’s no “Peruvian guy learning English as a second language and reaching out to the US.” He sounds more Chicagoan than the person asking if you want your italian beef dipped.

We have an American Pope. An incredibly American, not-even-70-years-old Pope. We can hope he visits here, but for now we can wait for his first sitdown American interview. There are lots of good (hey you seem to like slamming JD Vance on twitter) and bad (hey uhh are you serious about fighting abuse) questions for him.

2 . He’s a Leo rising.

Look. Did I want the Pope to pick Gregory? Yes.

John Paul III? Yes.

John XXIV? Yes.

Peter II? Yes, but only because it would be interesting to see the end of the world.

Also, it was hard to get super hyped about Leo while screaming “American! American!” at my television. But you pick a Pope name to send a message, and history likes 100 year-ish cycles. Pope Leo XIII did a lot of things but he wrote Rerum Novarum in 1891. It established Catholics social teaching, but the title speaks for itself: Rights and Duties of Capital and Labor.

Seems relevant! A labor Pope? From America? From a union town? Uhh… cool.

3 . Never say never.

When Pope conversations came up over the past 3 Popes, the same instant reaction would be snapped out whenever a whiff of “what if it’s an American?” came up:

“Obviously, it’ll never be an American.”

Like, this was automatic. I have a lot of pretty Catholic friends (basically all my friends who aren’t comedy friends, with an incredibly tiny crossover). You couldn’t even have the American conversation. It was like, “What if the Phoenix Suns make some good trades and win a Finals?” Shut up, stop wasting our time with your impossible words!

And I had this thought in my brain, that I had to get out of my brain, so I turned it into a rant in my living room for a few friends. It went something like this:

Why couldn’t it be an American? America is falling apart on essentially every metric, we’re incredibly cocky, and our tools of world leadership are being used to drag the planet down with us. Why couldn’t God¹  pick one of us — a FUBU Pope — to come tell us to get it together? Someone we couldn’t say was a jealous European or a salty South American or whatever excuses people used to dismiss other Popes? What if this is a moment to put the authority of an American voice behind the only job more famous than President of the United States? What if it was an American not to crow over American Exceptionalism, but to shepherd America back from the brink?

Is that what happened? Is it what will happen? I don’t know. But never has become now.

4 . He’s… uhh… brown.

I don’t think the press has realllly caught up to this but Pope Leo XIV is undeniably bi-racial. The first American Pope has “Creole of color” grandparents who lived in Louisiana for the past 200 years. Score One for “America is a multi-racial land of people choosing to get along!” Bad news “America is by and for white people!” He’s obviously a little tan, but no way around it — he’s got brown grandparents. I haven’t checked white nationalist rulebook but if One Drop still applies… you can call this guy Pope Urban. (Get it? GET IT, CATHOLIC NERDS?!)

I am a member of the Biracial Boyz. Member isn’t exactly the right word. It’s a group I invented, years ago, to describe the chunk of late night writers who are biracial and can walk in the world of “telling 55 year olds going to bed jokes about the news” and also the world of “eating spicier food than medium wings at TGI Fridays.” The Biracial Boyz then expanded to include many NBA players, the most shocking of which is Isaiah Hartenstein.

And now the Biracial Boyz includes a Pope. I think it’s the most American way for it to happen — all of our complicated racial history wrapped into it.

5 . One piece of advice.

Actually, this is two pieces of advice. One for us and one for the Pope.

For us, I think it’s important to realize that becoming Pope generally has a huge effect on whoever has just put on the big hat. So although we can look up lots of details of everything before this moment… the actual Papacy of Leo XIV is something we’ll have to deal with as it happens.

For Pope Leo, not that he needs my advice (although what a late night guest that would be) I hope in at least one of his English interviews he digs into the important stuff: does he like the Nova Knicks, does he think Jordan is the GOAT, what kind of hot dog does he order?

Ok, it’s extremely late here — our new Pope might be waking up as I type this — so I gotta sleep. Habemus Papam, and Habemus NAP-am! Zzzzzzzzzz.

1  Look, I’ve been Catholic through 40 years of life, some of it very up close to The Church and its issues. Part of that is the belief that Someone Is Up There, so if I’m talking about this it should be understood that I’m assuming Things Are At Work.