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- Cuomo Wants To Be Mayor with a Hard R
What’s up, nerds? It’s Sunday night, and when you look up at the ol’ calendar we are somehow more than a third of the way through this year. It’s almost summertime, when we can finally go on vacation and forget the news and— ahh crap it’s before you know it it’s the 4th of July and we’ve all gotta do Instagram posts about what America really means to us. [NOTE: to me, America comes down to 3 simple things. Hot dogs. Home runs. And the twiiiiiiiins!]
But looking at the next few days, what parade of awful events known as “the news” is barrelling toward us? A Presidential cancer diagnosis, a budget bill, a mayoral candidate dropping slurs… let’s dive in:
The President Has Been Kidnapped Diagnosed By Ninjas
It is sad and unfortunate news that former President Biden has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer that’s spread to his bones. Cancer is a tragedy, and it’s not how you want to see someone go out. I have, incredibly publicly, criticized Joe Biden for a long time, but I am not detached and monstrous enough to by hyped he’s got cancer — in the same way I detest the Boston Celtics but didn’t want to see Jason Tatum’s Achilles snap on the court.
It can be very easy to incrementally let yourself off for being, how do I say, kind of a piece of shit because we’re all in a war for our lives. But [PREACHY ALERT] there is never a time that a moral code matters more than when it’s most tempting to throw away. So, I’m sorry he’s going through that — it feels fairly grim for someone in their 80s — and I hope however it goes from here is peaceful.
But… that’s my entire take on the story. An old man, a very famous old man, has a horrible disease and is probably telling us now because there’s not a ton of time left.
The internet, however, has been in such a frenzy to get their hot takes off that half the people with keyboards have shot themselves in the foot, pulling the trigger while its still in the holster. And I’m talking everyone — let’s circle around the crazy for a second.
MAGA is saying this is part of the conspiracy to cover up Biden’s health. He’s President and his wife is a doctor, how could they not know?! It must be part of the shadowy cabal that was secretly running the…. sorry my own fingers are going on strike here rather that typing out more of this tripe that people suck up between watching reverse mortgage commercials on FOX Nation.
A bunch of people are very mad at Jake Tapper — and not for the normal, totally substantive reasons — but because he has a book coming out that’s like “Biden was bad at President and his team thought he was bad at President because he’s old and also is Joe Biden foot-in-mouth master.” And now people are like “WOW JAKE NICE TIMING” like he had a time machine but only used it to poorly time when his intentionally-witheld-for-capitalism-purposes “reporting” would get thrown onto an airport bookstore shelf.
Biden stans are like “wow you’re gonna be mad at the guy WITH CANCER?”
People who hate the DNC are blaming the DNC for covering it up and for Biden not dropping out sooner.
The center left is going “THE #1 ISSUE IN THE 2028 DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY WILL BE WHAT EACH CANDIDATE THINKS ABOUT JOE BIDEN!” [Note - we are coming back to this one.]
The far left is like “umm wow SORRY I’m focused on the ISSUES I guess everyone else forgot there’s still a full-ass psycho as President right now???”
The far far left is like “interesting you want me to feel sympathy for the president who hates palestine?!?!?”
And honestly, not that my opinion matters other than that you’ve signed up to hear it but… ok. Everyone think… whatever. It may be because I’ve actually had to slowly guide a terminally ill old man to the grave and know firsthand how much it sucks ass with a boiling fire that will scar you forever even when you think it’s gone but I think the story is just that: old man got sick. Sad. Sucks.
The only one that really bears any digging into is the idea that in 2028 what moves voters most will be the words Joe Biden. Because…
Joe Biden will not be alive.
Donald Trump may not be alive.
If Trump is alive he may have had X number of his own health issues, covered up or public.
Any of Biden’s health coverup, real or fake, will have happened 4 years earlier.
The economy will have impacted people for 3 more years, including the impact of tariffs.
Democrats as a brand will have likely had two years in the House to show who they are (yikes) and what they can do (woof).
Maaaaaaybe it’s just me but if you’re trying to win over those low-info, low-ideology people known as “swing voters,” coming out the gate with “Yeah that dead guy sucked and was bad!” Isn’t gonna be great. In Elissa Slotkin’s response to the State of the Union this year she said Ronald Reagan was a good President! They can’t even say that Bill Clinton has sexually abused people! If you think they’re gonna have a shit-talking contest for the Most Recently Deceased President in 2028, you do not live on Earth!
Dog Bites Man, Calls Man Slur
I don’t think anyone on Earth would be surprised to find out the Cuomo brothers — yeah the one who sexually harassed women and had to stop being governor, and the one who had a tv show but was such a dumbshit that now he’s on a fifth tier channel that plays at gas stations — that these guys might be uncouth in their language.
