Dear Jensen,

You’re down bad. I get it. I mean, I don’t get it, I’ve never cheated on my wife or even met a Chinese spy or had a relationship with an employee. I’ve also never caused a $700 billion dip in my company’s stock. So I don’t get it, but I still want to help.

You’re gonna have a rough time, and you’re gonna want to make some more bad choices. Don’t. No, noooo, I see you getting ready to start texting members of the Nvidia board! Stop it!

1) Signing up for the gym. Jensen, I get it, you’re back on the market — like REALLY back on the market, you lost a wife a mistress and a (very problematic) employee/girlfriend all in a week! I know what you’re thinking — sure, they love the jacket, but what about what’s under the jacket? You’re tempted to go full Bezos! To Zuckerberg yourself into shape! To try whatever combination of illegal steroids and coyote urine make Joe Rogan that shape!

But whatever you do, do not sign up for the gym. A guy like you is definitely going for an Equinox level gym experience, and you are never gonna get out of that subscription. Every time you try to cancel, you’ll have to explain to a man named Evian (who is 0% body fat and 0% body hair) why you’re a weak little worm you can’t finish what he starts. You don’t have the spine for that!

2) Buying more jackets. No, man. Just… no.

3) Answering unknown calls. Look, J-dog, you’re giving big “mark” vibes, and I’m just afraid if you start answering random calls you’re going to end up biting on one of those “we have your $40,000 loan approved we just need your bank info” spam calls. Sure you’re gonna need alimony money, but this is not the way to get it.

4) Buying that cellphone game where the king is about to be melted by lava unless you can do tetris-style puzzles fast enough. Sure, you’ve finally got free time to goof around and play on your phone. Instead of the other things you were doing on your phone that got you into this exact mess.

My man, you’re circling unemployment and that is NOT when you want to join the world of microtransactions. Yeah you’re giving the king some lava-proof armor and buying some speed gems for a couple bucks, but by 3AM you’ll be pulling money from emergency savings to make sure you keep your Perfect Gem Streak¹. Stick to Wordle or the crossword — I bet you’ll be in it soon! Maybe as “Disgraced NVidia Boss?”

5) Sports betting. I’m gonna be honest with you Jensen. You seem like the exact kind of whale that makes the DraftKings CEO (who as far as we know has zero spy connections) giggle in his sleep.

You’re rich. You love algorithms and computers and s**t. You like winning. And you’re very easy to trick. That’s like if - in a world where AI could actually do things - a gambling company got AI to come up with a perfect sucker gambler. Especially when you’re looking for cheap wins after so many losses.

We’ve all done it². We’ve all lost big on a game and then thought “one more and it’ll turn around, I just need Devin Booker to hit six 3s and also make one right-handed layup in the fourth quarter.” But when that bet hits, and you win big? It doesn’t fill the hole. The large, wife-shaped hole in your life. Or the large job-shaped hole in your life. Or the other hole that says, “boy I hope I don’t go to jail for any of that ‘helping a Chinese spy’ stuff.”

Do what we all do when we’re down bad. Learn to cook one thing, that you’ll work on a hundred times until it’s perfected and then never make again because you ate it too many times in a row.

Good talk. Also please stop having sex with people.